Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
