She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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