I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
