i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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