I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You're like the curious george of whores
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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