3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
