I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize