Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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