So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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