I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
