I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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