I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
