you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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