I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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