Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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