I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
