But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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