we're chasing vodka with high fives
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
