my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Randomize
