Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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