WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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