Your tits are I can't wait for
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
