she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
