WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
