I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
