More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
