I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
