grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
