i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize