my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
literally had 100 drinks last night.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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