I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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