When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
