my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
