Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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