Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Enjoy the penises
She made me pour olive oil on her.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
