I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
