I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
