My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
