My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
