i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
