life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
