Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
