I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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