I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
