The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
