Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
