i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
