i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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