i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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