if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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