It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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