My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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