Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
