Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize