Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
