My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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